More Tommy Cooper (ish) jokes

Thanks to GW for these...

A mate of mine, recently admitted, to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....



I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.



I went to the cemetery yesterday, to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there, I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!



My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop, and they were £70!!!

That's no good I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.



I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.



A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.

He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received, isn't what he was expecting.



I got some new aftershave today. that smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it!



The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.





I was driving this morning, when I saw a parked A.A. van.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably, and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.



On holiday recently in Spain , I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'.

I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'