The Tommy Cooper Crab

The Tommy Cooper crab is here. For those of you who do not know who Tommy Cooper was, then check him out on You Tube... here. I met him once and can say with all certainty he was incredibly funny and also a masterful (and highly respected worldwide) magician.

Here is part of my collection of jokes attributed to him. It is a particular style of humour which many other comedians have adopted... it is important to note that Tommy Cooper rarely, if ever, used 'rude' words, risqué yes, but never 'rude'.
================
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fatso!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cabby sat there waiting for his tip. I gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."


A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

You know those mange-tout? They're really nice, but I couldn't eat a whole one.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?

I was driving down the motorway with my wife the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.

My wife and I were married in a toilet: it was a marriage of convenience.


Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

So I said to this Chinese waiter, "Are there any Chinese jews", so he went away and when he came back he said, "no, there's only apple juice, pineapple juice...

I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite.

I went to the doctor and I said "it hurts when I do that", he said "well, don't do it."

My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, "I've got water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said, "in the river."

I backed a horse today, 20 to 1... came in at 20 past 4. He was so late coming in, he had to tip-toe back to the stables.

Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today, I had to he's ill. And he said to me "can I help you?" and I said "Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said "break my arms.

I saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's. "Well you can't say fairer than that then".

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids....

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind man. 'Just looking.'

I came home one night and my wife was crying. I said "whats wrong? She said "I'm home sick." I said "This is your home." She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"

My wife had a go at me last night She said "You'll drive me to my grave". "I had the car out in thirty seconds"

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrant. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrant made lousy violins.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said "Do something religious". So I took up a collection

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir" I said: "What for, Officer?" He says: "My chips are too hot"

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: "I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station" I said "What For?" He said: "I've forgotten the way"

So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close" He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights"

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do you want?" "I'd like to stay here", "Ok. Stay there"

I went to the doctor. He said "you've got a very serious illness" I said "I want a second opinion" He said "all right, you're ugly as well"

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said, "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner." I said, "Don't worry. I'll get you a new cat."

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks' 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?' Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat." I said "Why not?" He said "We don't give him any"

I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.