Lutheran Airlines...

... thanks to LD for this audio... here. For an understanding of Lutherans I recommend reading some of Garrison Keilor´s great books... a lot of the bits about Lutherans is hilarious. I recommend A Prairie Home Companion which has some good music, good humour, and just general goodness... here.

Meanwhile... some Lutheran humour:

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ (This one is my favorite)

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years.. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.
“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner..”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

You may be Lutheran if...



...your entire recipe collection consists only of back issues of County Magazine's "Taste of Home".

...you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
...you didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
...when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
...during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
...during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at church that Sunday.
...rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
...you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual.
...you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
...a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
...you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
...you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they're not so messy then.
...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it's impolite.
...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
...in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that around here.
...you think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three hours long.
...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
...you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
...your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
...you think butter is a spice.
...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
...you know what a "dead spread" is.
...you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
...you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.
...the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
...Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
...you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
...you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
...you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
...http://www.luthbro.com is one of your bookmarks.
...your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!
...you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
...you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
...you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.
...you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor."
...you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.
...you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.
...it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
...doughnuts are in the official church budget.
...they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't empty.
...you're watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you."
...you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you're in my seat."
...you doodle on the back of communion cards.
...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.
...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.
...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.
... you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
...you can actually come up with responses to this.
...you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.
...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then..."
...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.
...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.
...you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.
...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.
...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.
... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.
...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
...you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage."
...Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city."
...at Thanksgiving you serve lutefisk and try to convince your kids it's really a turkey.
...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus."
...you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
...you're 57 years old and your parents still won't let you date a Catholic.
...at the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you respond "and also with you."
...you can't get into heaven without a casserole.
...you notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible School season.
...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of coffee and donuts.
...you are referred to as the frozen chosen!
...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before, don't do it.
...you consider lottery tickets a serious investment.
...you make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your salads with Jell-O.
...you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
...you think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.
...your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true."
...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
...it's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services.
...change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.
...you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.
...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.
...you take your grandfather to McDonalds for breakfast and he asks for a large order of McLefsa.
...you win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or salad.
...every time something changes, the old one was better.
...you hold your family reunion in the church basement.
...a capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million cup coffee urn.
...you serve Jell-O as a vegetable.
...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo.
...you can't have a meeting without having a meal.
...you refer to your trip to Minneapolis as a pilgrimage.
...sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the sermon.
...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
...you count coffee among the sacraments.

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Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. The joke makes us chuckle because we see ourselves in it, however on the outskirts of actual truth it may be. It's not that we're inflexible when it comes to change. It's just that we put our hope in someone who does not change – God. His love, His grace and His word are eternal. In honor of Martin Luther's 526th birthday Nov. 10, here are 10 unique ways Lutherans believe, think and do, served up with a little humor. We asked Kristofer Skrade, editor of the indispensable Lutheran Handbook series, and the Rev. Todd Wilken, host of the Lutheran radio show Issues, Etc., to shed some light on why Lutherans…


1. Sit in the back of the church and/or protect our pew like it's reserved seating at a rock concert.

Staking out the back rows facilitates a quick escape for those wanting to avoid the Sunday restaurant rush, Wilken says. "Plus, Lutherans are leery of being too devout. We have a proper understanding of our sin, so we shy away from the holy things up front."

As to pews, Skrade believes we get into ruts that are unrelated to holy rituals. In his first congregation, he had everyone switch seats during a sermon to get people thinking from a different perspective. "The congregation was good-natured, but it was, 'Ha, ha, don't do that again,'" he says.
Hymnal
2. Reprint the entire worship service in a bulletin when we have hymnals.

Count this habit as an evangelism tool: The hymnal is a Lutheran legacy, but these days we understand that it can be intimidating to guests. "If a visitor has to decipher this ancient Rosetta stone that is the hymnal, it can be daunting," Skrade says. "A huge bulletin may be wordy, but it's easier to navigate."
Cup of Jell-O
3. Consider our main form of socialization the potluck – with mandatory Jell-O®.

The potluck, a long-standing tradition among many Lutherans, is an opportunity for the same kind of table fellowship Jesus practiced throughout his ministry. "Recipes make good conversation like nobody's business, and that sharing is community-building," Skrade says. "You could never start a church without hosting food gatherings. They're critical." Wilken believes Lutherans understand that food is a good gift of God. "If God gave it to us, why not enjoy it, and why not all together in the church basement?" (The Jell-O dessert is just a bonus.)
4. Consider it a badge of honor to show as little emotion as possible.

Our Lutheran ancestors were from northern Europe, where the cold climate made stoicism a survival tool. Though it began with physically enduring difficult environmental conditions, fortitude became an emotional state of mind as well. "When things get bad, Lutherans say, "Well, it could be worse.' And when things go really well, we don't say anything, because we're afraid to jinx it," Skrade says. "You can't waste energy celebrating, because there's work to do."
money
5. Approach the church's spending with a careful eye, but often give anonymously to those in need.

We take pride in our thriftiness, which extends to getting full use out of every penny for God's church, too. "There's just not a penny to be wasted, and if we as a faith community can get by with an unheated building and secondhand hymnals, then we'll get by. It's almost a point of pride. We don't need fancy soap dispensers in our church," Skrade says. But Lutherans aren't stingy: "We're certainly frugal, but when Lutherans see someone in need, they're incredibly generous," Wilken says. "In my experience as a pastor and nonprofit radio show host, the more someone gives, the less they want anyone to know about it."
6. Live our faith all day and all week, even in our work.

Luckily for those of us who aren't church workers, Lutherans believe in the doctrine of vocation – that is, every job performed by a Christian is a call to serve others, not just that of a pastor. Luther once wrote, "The Christian shoemaker does his Christian duty not by putting little crosses on the shoes, but by making good shoes, because God is interested in good craftsmanship." The idea isn't new – Paul said as much in I Corinthians 10:31: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
Handshake
7. Avoid saying hello to new people in church.

Again, our wallflower tendencies surface here. We're secretly afraid of this conversation: "Hi, welcome to our church." "Umm, I've been here for 30 years." "Oh." Skrade says that in the small northern European communities of our ancestors and even in the first Lutheran communities in the U.S., everybody knew everyone else. "Welcoming strangers was an underdeveloped muscle," he explains. "It's hard to overestimate just how strong our habits really are."
8. Volunteer endlessly even though we believe we're saved by grace alone.

One of the main tenets of Lutheranism is found in the fourth article of the Augsburg Confession, which says we are saved by grace – through faith in Christ – not by works. (See also Ephesians 2:8-9: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.") "When we feed on God's word, the natural result is service to our neighbor," Wilken says. "What Jesus did for us, He did willingly. We in turn serve freely and willingly, 'in fervent love toward one another,' because everything in the church is free – the grace of God and service to our neighbor."
9. Pass the peace when secretly we feel that shaking hands and/or hugging our neighbor in church is too intimate.
Passing the peace is an ancient Christian tradition that has survived in the Lutheran church, even if it's "the most uncomfortable 25 seconds of Sunday morning," Wilken says. "Sunday morning worship isn't a spectator sport. We are there and bound together in unity by the word and the sacrament, a bond closer than any handshake or hug can communicate." Skrade says it's more than just your weekly chance to say hello to someone. "Passing the peace can be disarming and uncomfortable, but it's an opportunity for a literal connection with your neighbor during corporate worship instead of being in your own mental silo," Skrade says. "It's part of the glue that holds the community together." Baby
10. Baptize babies.

While many Lutherans are baptized as babies, it's actually a nondiscriminatory practice: "We baptize sinners," Wilken says, as Jesus commanded in Matthew 28:19 ("Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit"). We're not stingy with grace. Luther taught that if grace is available, everyone ought to get it… including babies...